Monday, September 29, 2008

What I did today to keep myself busy

It is amazing what you can do when you do not read message boards all day. I bought this really pretty fabric the other day knowing I was going to make a small quilt (um, for a baby). I have some friends that are pregnant and even thougth I do not know what they are having, I wanted to make a girly quilt. I figured if everyone has a boy, then I can either just use it myself as a couch throw or give it to my sister (preg with a girl).

I did some other stuff like laundry and hung some pictures, but this took most of my afternoon. I am impressed that I actually finished it. I have about 7 quilts that are just the front, no batting, no back. I even ran out of thread and went to the store to get more, came back and finished it.

So, here are some pics of the finished product, it is not perfect, but- really who cares.

Oh - you can also see my new kitchen floor - looks like title, right?? Nope, laminate that look just like title and it is easier to keep clean.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Infertility & Miscarriage Story of Me

I noticed that I have some new readers....hello, and thanks for reading.

Since I did the story of my son, and already had the story of my house, I thought it would be a good time to tell the quick story of me - well at least the IF and M/C story...

Got married in Dec 2005. We threw out the bcp in Oct 2006, thinking of course that we could plan when our baby was born. Yeah, right.

I kind of knew something was up. My first cycle after bcp was 110 days long. I never called the doc because ever week or so I SWORE I must be preg. Nope. At about 100 days, I finally called the doc and was Rx provera to bring on a period.

Next cycle was 70+ days, again provera.

By May 2007, the doc Rx Clomid. I did a few rounds of Clomid with my OB with no success.

By 1 year trying I was thinking about going to an RE - but kept putting it off thinking that I could do it on my own. By this time, my cycles were a little more in the "normal" range and I even got a few + OPKs.

I finally made an appt in Jan 2008 to see an RE. At the first visit I was Dx with PCOS. They wanted to start clomid, trigger, IUI that same cycle. Did all the tests (hsg, sa, etc) and did IUI that next cycle.

We were successful with IUI#1!! but we lost the heartbeat at 8 weeks. D&C at 8.5 weeks (March 2008). Loss was determined to be due to Trisomy 22.

I was hoping for a cycle after m/c miracle - no such luck.

Took over 6 weeks to get post d&c period. We had to do a clomid + TI cycle because of travel,etc - no surprise, BFN

Did another Clomid, trigger, IUI in June 2008 (IUI#2) and were again successful. We lost this pregnancy at 6.5 weeks. Another D&C (July 2008 - 2nd in less than 4 months). The results of the D&C were inconclusive.

We did the recurrent loss panel and it was determined that I have the MTHFR gene mutation. I was Rx Folgard - although the studies on MTHFR and m/c are up for debate. We also did the full genetic work-up on both of us - we are both fine genetically.

Again, it took 6 weeks to get post d&c period.

We did IUI#3 (Sept 2008)- this time with injectables (follistim, cetrotide, ovidrel) and it was a success.

I had some bleeding issues on 12dpiui, 13dpiui, 14dpiui and part of 15dpiui. My betas rose as expected and the doc did not seem too concerned about the bleeding. That is of course until my beta at 4w6d at which point the beta dropped drastically. M/C #3 (Sept 2008).

This is my third loss in 6 months. We are currently on an emotional break. But that might be a forever break.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I am taking a break from the boards

I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be taking a break from all the message boards for a while. I am sure I won't be able to stay away long, but for now all updates (if any) will be to my blog.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The story of my son

I got 2 comments on my last post - I guess it is kind of weird that I have a son already and I am having so many issues getting and staying pregnant.

So, I guess it is easiest to answer the question here so that many know the story.

I did blog about this a long time ago, here are the links:
19 & pregnant and 19 & pregnant (cont)

Long story short:
~ Lost my virginity at 19 to a long term boyfriend.
~ Broke up with said boyfriend 2 days after "the deed"
~ Started hanging out with a guy - friends at first for a few months
~ Guy convinced me that sex was no big deal
~ 3 weeks later I am knocked up
~ Guy breaks up with me the day I tell him I am pregnant
~ Raised my son as a single mom for 11 years at which point I marry my husband
~ Started TTC when I was 32 yrs old. I am now 34 years old

Trust me - I think about it each and every day. How is it that I was able to get pregnant, probably within a week of my first intimate relationship (don't count guy #1) and now I am having such a hard time.

Of course things like age, weight, etc obviously factor into the mix. But, come on!?!? How many teen moms do you know that have trouble later on. I don't know any.

I do find it annoying that I get pregnant with a 100% loser with no problem and the man that I love to death and want to have a baby with, I can't. And just a FYI - my husband has NO fertility issues. He is 100% perfect. We also both had genetic testing done and we are BOTH fine.

I am pretty much an open book, so no question will really ever offend me - please ask away.

If you would like me you expand on anything, just ask.

You can see how totally young I was in this pic. Colin was probably 2 and a 1/2 or so?? And yes, I know I look about 12 yrs old.

Another gem from my mother

I know my mom does not know what to say, but EVERYTHING she says hurts me. I blogged about this with my second loss HERE. I don't know if she is just throwing out things that she thinks will make me feel better, or if she really believes them.

Yesterday I got the following:

"It is not natural to be pregnant 3 times in 7 months, obviously your body knows that and it is telling you something"

Yay, it is telling me that my mom is a crackhead.


"This is not fair to [my son], this is a lot for him. BTW - my son only knows about the first pregnancy and loss. And my mom knows this - so I am not sure what this means.

I am close to my mother, and I regrettably feel like we have grown apart since March - mainly because I just can't talk to her anymore. I tell her that she hurts my feelings and she keeps going.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I cried myself to sleep last night

Last night I cried myself to sleep. If you can call it sleep. I slept maybe a total of 3 hours last night.

This is one of the lowest times of my life - you really can not imagine how bad this hurts. I would not wish this extreme pain on my worst enemy.

I know I posted after m/c#2 how bad I hurt. I can tell you with 100% certainty that those feelings were nothing.

We will be taking a much needed break. Maybe start again with the new year - maybe not start again ever. I know nothing has a guarantee, but, I just can not go through this again. My heart hurts too much.

To want something so badly, only to have it ripped away from you is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Colin knows something is up - I told him I have the flu. You can tell he is worried about me and it breaks my heart.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

m/c # 3

Beta went from 262 to 129

The End

Monday, September 22, 2008

Beta #3 :)

I can't be more excited. My beta on thursday was 40. Not too great, but not bad either.

i had a repeat beta today, 4 days after the last one. According to doubling rules, my beta today should be around 160.

Um, nope.........262 baby!!!! Progesterone even went from a 5 to an 11.

This could be real - i can't believe it. I go back on Wednesday for a repeat and then will have an u/s sometime next week.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

OPK as a HPT (Try #2)

I posted about using OPKs as HPTs on my other blog with pg #1. I know that the theory does work when past your expected period. The OPK as HPT reasoning can be read about HERE.

Now, I am a big believer in "if you want to know if you are pg, use a HPT...If you want to know if you are ovulating, use a OPK"

BUT - I am also a frugal person. So, I could not see spending money on a HPT when I have 4 digital OPKs and several cheapie OPKs in the house.

Since my period was due on Thursday (based on trigger and IUI dates) I knew that if I am still pregnant, that the OPK would be positive. This of course is based on my own very un-scientific research.

I have another beta tomorrow, and since I wanted to be prepared, I decided that I would take the OPKs. Again, I was not about to buy more HPTs.

And, if I am still pregnant, then I think it is safe to say that, "yes, again, you can in fact use a OPK as a HPT" Again, remember from the previous blog post (link above) I did not get accurate results until after my period was due.

And I do have to say that I personally think there should be 2 kinds of digital pregnancy tests. It is the coolest thing in the world to want to be pregnant and see that smile face (digital OPK shows a smile if positive). If I was a person that would not be thrilled with a +HPT, then of course I would not want to see a smile face.

So - I think that the makers of digital HPTs should have a version that box says "Please only use this product if you want to be pregnant" and another that says, "If you will be upset and think your parents will probably kill you and have to move far far away and be the shame of your family, please use this test"

Anyway - here are the results of my non-scientific tests. Again, remember that these results are only accurate if I am still pregnant. I have to believe that I am because even if I was not pregnant, I would not be ovulating yet anyway.

I took a pic of just the cheapie first because it was positive right away, while the digital took a few minutes

Oh - this is also a great pic of my granite in my kitchen. Looks even better with positive OPKs on it - Um, ok - just realized that that is gross. Don't worry, I cleaned it big time after the pic.

An update

Ok - that bleeding scare only lasted a few hours. By the next morning, they bleeding was gone again. No bleeding yesterday and so far nothing today. I go for another beta tomorrow so I am hoping for flying colors!!!!

Oh - and I totally survived my Sister's baby shower. Yay for that!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bleeding is back

I went a whole 24 hours of no bleeding. That means no bleeding, no spotting, nothing.

I could probably deal with a little spotting. But, nope, full on bleeding again. I stopped yesterday at around 6 pm and just started again now (8pm est)

I want OFF this roller coaster ride! God only knows how long this set of bleeding will last.

I know that it could be normal, but I will take the other normals of pregnancy - I don't want this normal.

I will take the morning sickness, food adversions, tiredness, moodiness, anything.....I just want to stop bleeding.

Beta not until Monday - who know what that will say.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

The bleeding has STOPPED!

The bleeding has stopped. It is weird, my doctor really did not seem too concerned about the bleeding right now. It was like just a random question. "So, are you still bleeding, oh ok"

I do have to say, and I think this is weird, but I went from heavy bleeding to no bleeding in less than an hour.

I had a lot (!) of follies so it is possible that I was pregnant with more than one. My nurse said it was possible that maybe the blood is from a lost multiple.

I know lots of people have had some or a lot of bleeding during pregnancy, but with my history of m/c, it just totally freaks me out.

I actually have a friend that did not find out she was pregnant until about 3-4 months because she was having a "regular" period for a few months. She never took a test, she found out when she went to the doc for an xray and they asked the question "can you be pregnant" - she took a test then and thought she was JUST pregnant.

She went to her first ob appointment and she was already past her first trimester. So, I know bleeding can be common

I have been bleeding very heavy since Tuesday morning. I was using a tampon AND a pad that had to be changed every 1-2 hours. A normal period for me would be a tampon when I went to the bathroom - so every couple of hours. A box of tampons would last several cyles.

This time, I had to make a special trip to the bathroom. And I had to wear a pad as well. It really was so much blood. I was gettting up several times a night as well.

Well yesterday, I went to the bathroom and changed everything. Went about 2 hours later thinking I was going to have to change everything, and there was not a drop of blood on anything. Seriously, not a drop of blood.

So, I took caution to the wind and only wore a pad. There has been nothing on it since then, even overnight.

I am praying that the bleeding has stopped. I know that they next few weeks are going to be an emotional roller coaster.

So ---- I am still PREGNANT

The doc finally called - well the nurse did, the doc was in surgery.

My beta on Tuesday was 17 and P4 was 4.4

Today, my beta was 40 and P4 was 5

Betas are supossed to double every 48-72 hours. And 40 is more than double. It is so bizarre how I could bleed this much and still have doubling betas.

As far as the low P4 - P4 should be MUCH higher than 5. At 5dpo I was put on Prometrium (P4) and my dose was 1x a day. At beta #1, my dose was increased to 2x a day. Today, they are keeping it at 2x a day.

One thing I have to remember is that I have heard that since the Prometrium is taken vaginally, it is possible that it does not show up in bloodwork.

I go back on Monday - so, if I am still pregnant, I would expect to see a HUGE jump in the beta.

~~Today I am pregnant, and today I love this baby...~~Today I am pregnant, and today I love this baby...~~Today I am pregnant, and today I love this baby

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm sorry - but this can't be a good thing

This post will be full of TMI, just a warning.

Yesterday in the morning when I started spotting, it was really more like heavy spotting. By the end of the day, it was totally a period like flow. But so so different. When I get my period, it is a dark red/brown color. This bleeding was BRIGHT red. Like someone cut open my arm bright red.

Even if I did not take a test yesterday, I would have thought something was weird with this "period" and would have still taken a test either yesterday or today.

I am one of those people that other women probably hate. My period usually lasts 3 days or less. I usually go to CD3 u/s and I already stopped bleeding. I also don't get my period at night (usually). I would not call my period a light flow, but it goes quick.

Well, last night I bled so bad taht I had to get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom to "wash up" and when I got up this morning, there was blood on the sheets. Always a nice sight to see, right. To be honest, I think bllod on the sheets is the nasiest thing ever. At 34 years old I should not be bleeding on my sheets.

I also have been cramping - not so bad that I need to take anything. But there non the less.

I really want to believe that I am pregnant, especially since this is weird bleeding. But, this amount of blood and the color does not point to a good outcome.

Of couse - I will keep everyone updated.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I gave in and tested

Well, when I was in the $tree the other day, I just could not help myself. I bought 3 HPTs. I figured even if I got negative, I only spent $3. I really wanted to hold out until tomorrow, but...I am glad I did not.

I tested at 10dpiui - negative. No big deal.
I tested at 11 dpiui - positive - maybe. The line was so so light that I only saw it when I took the test apart and held it up to the light.
I tested at 12 dpiui (today) and it was positive. Again, a faint line. But I could see it without any tricks. Trust me, I know all the tricks to see a positive hpt.


You would think that this is where this post would stop. But you would be wrong.

I tested at 6:30 this morning when I got up. At about 8:30 I went to the bathroom and I was spotting. I had joy for a whole 2 hours. How could this be happening again?

I called my RE and asked what I should do, he said to come in for a beta and progesterone check. I basically jumped in the shower and got there asap. I knew I had to be there by 9:30 because that is when the courier comes to pick up the blood.

I get there with plenty of time.

I got the call later in the afternoon. I am pregnant, but barely. Beta = 17 and P4 = 4.4.

He said the spotting could be from the low P4 and he upped my Prometrium. I have to go back on Thursday for a re-check of levels.

He also reminded me that beta doubles every 48 hours (about) and that at 15 dpiui (my original beta day) he would like to see a 50 or higher. So, if you do the math - 17 double would be 34 which (if doubled) would be over 50 by friday (original beta day)

I am more concerned with the spotting/bleeding than I am with the beta numbers. The spotting has turned more into bleeding. If I was not TTC, then I would totally think today was the start of my period.

Right now, we are basically in limbo. I am just totally praying that this is "normal" bleeding. My sister also reminded me that there was a strong possibility that I was pregnant with multiples and maybe I am losing one of the multiples and will continue with the pregnancy. My God, I hope she is right.

I hope I have better news on Thursday.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Made my blog look pretty!

It's OK - looks more pretty than before. I don't like the litle ad box on the top, but whatever - I can deal with that.

So, I am 11 dpiui and I have still not tested. It is killing me not to test, but like I said a billion times, I only have one test and in the past I did not test postive until 13 dpiui. I do not want to buy more tests and I do not want to waste the one I have on a negative.

So, we wait.

I could pretend that everything I am feeling is exactly like the last two times, but I don't know if that actually means anything.

My boobs were killing me from about 4dpo. Like can't not wear a bra painful. I was still painfully bloated also from the # follies that I had (hope not too many released). I am peeing all the time - but I think that is more of a "omg, will there be blood" type of thinking, not "omg, I have to pee".

I had all but the severe bloating with the last 2 pregnancies also. But, those ended badly, so I would rather not look at the comparisions - you know what I mean?

I will be testing on Wed, but will probably not share the results on my blog until I tell my family first. I don't want them to read about a negative or positve when the whole world does too.

So - Melanie, Katie, Julie, and possibly Margaret Mary - you guys are out of luck! :)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I just lost it in Halmark

My sister's baby shower is next Sat - she was 4 weeks behind my original due date.

SO - Katie if you are reading this, do not read any more :)

Anyway, I was in the mall and figured I would stop and get a baby shower card.

I picked up one and read it - I lost it right there is Halmark - had to go to a corner of the store pretend I was looking at magnets.

I did buy the card - it was the first and only card I read.

I am just letting you know that the wording is written from someone who has a child (seems so to me) so while it really made me upset - I could see how this would be very upsetting to someone who is going through primary IF, so note that before you read any more....

Wording of the card:
It's true - Having a child will chnage your life...

You'll learn that it's possible to sleep and worry at the same time.

You may discover that blue food doesn't taste all that bad and when a toddler is quiet, it's not necessarily a good thing....

You'll find that toys, like tiny socks, really do multiple overnight.

You'll learn how hard it can be to say "no" to a cute face, especially when Grandma says "yes."

But most of all, you'll wonder how you ever filled the days before your little one came along.

I am getting teary just typing it.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

In the 1WW!!!

It is official - I am currently 7 dpiui which means I am in the 1WW.

Let's hope that the next week goes as fast as this past week.

My beta is next friday - but as everyone knows - I never wait until beta day. I just have to know. But - I only have one test - so I will probably test next Wed.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Progesterone came back fine

It is weird, I went in for my 5 dpiui p4 test. The doc just called. The P4 is 15 which is above the 10 that they like to see.

But, he is still having me do Prometrium. Which is fine, like I said once before, I will take as many pills as needed if that means I have a better chance of staying pregnant.

Prometrium will not hurt a pregnancy, in fact - most women who need to supplement will continue to do so until 12 weeks or so.

At least it is only once a day. I hate having to take it in the morning.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

"I was embarressed for you..."

I have posted before how my mom thinks my IF should be a huge family secret. I do not. I openly talk about it to anyone that what to know.

I kind of feel people out and share a level that they are comfortable with.

Anyway - we had a HUGE BBQ last weekend. Of course my meds are in the fridge (follistim, cetrotide, ovidrel - all injectables). I did not hide them, I just left them where they were. I really did not care if anyone saw them.

But, I do have to say that I put away (and hid) my sharps container.

I noticed that the meds were moved, but did not really think anything of it becuase there was lots of stuff in the fridge.

We go for dinner at my mom's today and we start taking about the bbq - she said to me, "I saw all your meds in the fridge and I hid them because I was embarressed for you"

What? You were not embaressed for ME- you were embarressed for YOU!

Besides, do you really think people would look in the fridge, see the meds, write down the med name and then go home and google them? And even if they did - who cares.

If I did not want people to see them, then I would have hid them.

I have decided that I do not talk to my mother about IF anymore. I decided this a while ago - she was the one that brought is up out of the blue about the meds.

Friday, September 5, 2008


This is how I feel today - my belly area actually hurts I am so bloated.
Of course, WHEN I get pregnant, it will be worth it in the end.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

IUI#3 was today

I am back from IUI #3. We had 20 mil post wash; which is much lower than our previous IUIs, but I am really not that worried. The nurse has told me on several dates, that 10 mil is ideal for IUI. So, we have twice that amount.

I think the count might have something to do with the fact that he was drinking over the weekend and (TMI AHEAD) the fact that he did not um,,,,, clean the pipes on trigger day. Trust me, we tried and tried and tried.....another reason why TI does not work for us. I told him it was fine and hoped for the best for today. So, I think it is possible that the count was low because we might have had a lot of dead old ones.

Whatever the reason - it is more than enough for the IUI.

I am really bloated - as I guess can be expected. My beta is scheduled for Friday - 9/19.

It is kind of funny - each and every one of my IUIs were on a Thursday. So, the schedule after IUI has always been the same. Kind of weird.

I am officially in the 2WW!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Injectable IUI Schedule (Timeline) so far

I have googled "IUI injectable schedule" a bunch of times before we decided to to do them because I was curious about the timeline - and I would not get a lot of hits.

I figured since my blog is searchable, I would add my own timeline.

CD3 - B/W and U/S - 100 units of follistim for CD3 & CD4
CD5 - B/W only - increased follistim to 125 units
CD8 - B/W and U/S to check follies - follistim still at 125
CD10 - B/W and U/S to check follies - follistim still at 125, injection of Cetrotide
CD11 - B/W and U/S to check follies

Today is CD11 so I will update after I hear from the doctor later today.

So - here is how today's visit went:

I have 8 FOLLIES - all are over 13mm - holy crap!!!!!

Here is the full count:

Right - 15, 16, 13
Left - 13, 13, 13, 13, 14

The doctor said that we might trigger tonight for an IUI either tomorrow or Thursday. And he also said that at this point I have about a 35% chance of twins and about a 20% chance of 3 or MORE!.

I don't want to end up like J.on & K.ate plus 8 - that is for damn sure. So, now I just have to wait for the doc to call to advise. He also said that he really can not let me go much further because he can not have that many follies grow to be mature.

Wow - it is a lot to comprehend right now.

Heard from the doctor. It is his personal and professional opinion that I should trigger tonight. This will lessen the chance that the smaller ones will release a mature egg. At this point I still have a chance of a multiple pregnancy.

If I wait - even without any stims - then the chance is HIGH that I could get pregnant with High Order Multiples - which is NOT something we want.

So - I will trigger tonight and do IUI on Thursday.
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